


Every Breath That Is in Your Lungs Is a Tiny Little Gift to Me

by Broken_but_not_Lost



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/F, F/M, Feels, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Incredibly emo Lexa, SO MUCH SARCASM, Shameless Smut, So much angst, They're so snarky, Trigger: Self-Harm, Trigger: Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-03 04:30:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5276735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_but_not_Lost/pseuds/Broken_but_not_Lost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate universe taking place in modern day California.</p><p>Lexa and Clarke have a complicated history that spans more than a decade long. Their feelings are not so easily forgotten, but both girls are willing to put in the effort to be friendly.  The more time they spend together, the more they end up reliving the roller coaster that is their past.</p><p>They'll have to relearn how to be around each other in order to be best friends again...and maybe something more...?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So Stay Sweetly Numb

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first time ever writing a fan fiction, I was kind of nervous posting it. I am by no means a writer, so PLEASE bear with me on grammatical errors/sucky writing.
> 
> I tried to be creative with the relationships/occupations of the characters and go for some things I haven’t yet read in other fics. Again, it’s my first time at this, so…sorry haha.
> 
> I do have to warn readers that this series has very dark moments, there is a lot of fucked up shit that’s going to happen, so please look over the trigger warnings listed in the tags before you continue.  
> There is, however, a lot of smut. Like so much smut. Graphic and maybe even uncomfortable smut.
> 
> I want to thank everyone in advance for taking the time to read this, I hope you enjoy. ANY AND ALL feedback is greatly appreciated! I would love to hear what you guys think of the plot and characters and how I can improve.
> 
> Thanks again, enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> Main playlist for this chapter:  
> AFI - Affliction  
> Adventure Club - Crave You Remix (Flight Facilities)  
> 

“Ughh…please kill me now.” she groaned, absent mindedly wiping down a bottle of whiskey with a towel in hand.

It had been about three hours since her last customer left, and she was desperately trying to keep busy.  The loud TV provided background noise, but there was nothing interesting enough to keep her attention. She knew there was an AFI/30 Seconds to Mars concert downtown, but she didn’t expect business to be affected too badly. Then again, this _was_ Los Angeles. There were a million better things to do than get wasted at Polis Bar.

It had been so slow that she even ended up cutting Monty and Jasper.  Now faced with her apparent loneliness, she almost regretted the decision because the Dynamic Duo would have been much better entertainment than the drone of the TV above her.

 _I swear to god, if this night gets any slower, I’m gonna jump out the window and throw myself into oncoming traffic._ she thought, setting the whiskey bottle back on the shelf.

Lexa silently cursed Anya for guilt tripping her into closing on a Friday. There had barely been any customers all night, and she was currently on her third round of wiping down bottles. On the other hand, Lexa argued she should just be grateful that she even had a job to complain about. Deep down, she knew Anya was the only reason why she was currently able to live a comfortable life. Working for your cousin and somewhat being your own boss was better than what most people had.

She let her mind trace back to memories from two years ago, when Anya had offered her the job.

 

\-------------------

 

_“Look cuz, I know how you feel about going back to LA, but I could really use the help. I can’t run a bar by myself and I’ll need someone I can trust. And I don’t mean some boring lame-ass pencil pusher. I mean someone who won’t make me want to blow my brains out, but can still handle their shit.”_

_Anya had been badgering Lexa relentlessly for the past week trying to convince her younger cousin to move back to their hometown. Lexa knew she would have to go back at some point, she just didn’t know if she was mentally, and or emotionally capable enough._

_They had been sitting on Anya’s bed and the edges of her blanket were currently being pulverized into tight balls under Lexa’s hands._

_“Anya...you know I owe you and I’m incredibly grateful for the offer and everything else you’ve done...” Lexa squeezed her hands tighter. “But I just don’t know if I’m ready to be back there yet.”_

_“Listen,” the older girl sighed, “I’m not going to force you to deal with your shit. It’s your business and you already know how I feel about the whole situation. All I’m saying is you can’t live in my walk-in closet forever, as glorious and magnificent as it may be.” Lexa laughed through her nose and looked up at her cousin._

_“Come with me and help me start this new chapter in my life. You need to start getting back on your feet Lexa, so let’s just take it one day at a time, together. Okay?”_

_Lexa took a deep breath and felt part of her burdens temporarily lifted._

_“You’re right. I can’t keep running away. I’ll go with you, but only under one condition.”_

_“Name your price, Commander.”_

_“I get to name the bar.”_

_Anya quirked her eyebrows up. “Deal. As long as you stop trying to kill my blanket with your hulk hands.”_

_Lexa laughed and released her innocent prisoner. “You’re really going to let me name your bar?”_

_“Sure, why not? Whatever it takes to get your emo ass up and moving again. My dad would kick my ass if he saw your new Skeletor look.” Anya leered at the gaunt girl in front of her._

_“I already told Uncle Gustus that ‘this’,” she gestured both hands down the length of her torso, “isn’t your fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault but my own.”_

_Anya’s brows furrowed with concern.  For months she had witnessed Lexa’s decline in health firsthand. The grieving process was destroying her, and to make matters worse, the younger girl would not let up with the self-loathing._

_Lexa awkwardly cleared her throat, attempting to lighten the sudden serious atmosphere. “And whatever, you know Uncle Gustus would kick my ass first before yours anyway.”_

_Anya laughed through a sigh. “Yeah. Totally.” She stretched her legs out and leaned back on her arms. “So tell me, what are you going to name my bar? And please don’t choose something dykey, I love you, but I don’t want to be hosting your harem every night.”_

_Lexa scoffed. “ACTUALLY, I was thinking… something like…Polis?”_

_“You mean like, a metropolis?”_

_“Yeah, exactly. If I’m going to be there then you KNOW it’s always gonna be hoppin’!” Lexa said slyly, brushing her left shoulder off. “It’ll be like a metropolis, the hotspot in LA.”_

_“You know, as much as I want to slug you right now for being such a cock, I actually do like the sound of that. Polis Bar it is then.”_

 

\-------------------- 

 

Lexa smiled at the lingering memory.

 _So much for ‘it’s always gonna be hoppin’._ she thought, grabbing another (spotless) bottle.

The sudden tapping on the bar counter caused her to pause.

“Excuse me, could I PLEASE get some service around here!?”

Lexa sighed and adapted her work mask before turning around to face the rude customer.

“I’m sorry about that, what can I –“

“Dude. I don’t think I’ve ever heard your voice get that high before.”

Lexa’s shoulders slouched and her fake smile flatlined as recognition washed over. “Oh. Of course it’s just you.”

“Good to see you too buddy.” the girl smiled. She took off her maroon leather jacket and hopped onto the barstool. “Seriously though, maybe just a bit higher and you could probably round up all the stray dogs in the city.”

“Goddamnit Raven, I’m going to kill you.”

“Oh baby, you know I like it rough!”

Lexa chuckled under her breath against her will. “God, I hate you so much.”

“I love you too, schnookums.” she reached over and gave her friend a half hug, the counter obnoxiously coming between them.

“When did you get back into town? I thought you’d be gone through next week too.” Lexa handed Raven a glass of water.

“Mehh, that’s why I have Wick there. I make the big bucks, which means I get to make other people do my job for me. I do what I want!” her cheesy grin had stretched so wide that Lexa thought the girl’s cheeks were going to fall off.

Lexa scoffed, shaking her head. “Quite the life, I imagine.”

Raven raised her right eyebrow. “Oh, you don’t even know.”

Raven was the chief head biomedical engineer at Mt. Weather Hospital in San Diego. Every couple of weeks she would have to spend time onsite to overlook projects and manage her staff. Luckily, her status and position didn’t keep her rooted there, so she was still able to spend time at home in Los Angeles. Like most of their friends, Raven worked painstakingly hard for her career, and it had paid off and showed at a young age. She was by far the smartest person Lexa had ever known, but unfortunately the most sarcastic as well.

Raven lifted and stretched her right arm out, gesturing toward the empty room.

“So this shit is hella crazy tonight, I don’t even know how you have time to talk to me right now.  I should leave, I can see you clearly have your hands full with all these customers.”

“Shut up Reyes. I’m on the brink of losing my mind, I’ve been so bored all night.”

“Where’s Anya at? Why isn’t her hot ass here and why do I have to settle for your face instead?”

Lexa ignored the insult and continued onto a bottle of vodka. “She asked me to close tonight so her and Bellamy could have a date night. I guess it was their only night off together this week.”

“Wait, back up.” the girl leaned forward, “I’m pretty sure there’s only one ‘Bellamy’ in this entire universe, so you HAVE to be talking about Octavia’s brother Bellamy. That Bellamy? BELLAMY, Bellamy???”

“What the fu-“ Lexa let out a long breath. “YES that Bellamy, why are you freaking out?”

Raven slammed her palms down on the counter.

“BECAUSE I’M SO MUCH HOTTER THAN BELLAMY!”

“Jesus,” Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose, “you’re so ridiculous. Please leave my cousin alone. She’s incredibly straight.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean _she’s_ not incredibly hot and _I’m_ not incredibly hot.” sneered Raven.

Lexa punched her friend’s left shoulder. “Yeah, yeah, you’re still hot. Get over yourself.”

Raven corrected her posture and flashed a prideful smile before asking, “So seriously though, when and how did they start dating?”

“When Lincoln and Bellamy moved back from Phoenix, they started making Polis their after-training-session hangout.” Lexa returned the bottle of vodka and got herself a glass of water. “I think he seriously asked her out for like a year and a half straight before she finally said ‘yes’ a couple months ago.  She just wanted to shut him up, but turns out she kind of has a thing for uniforms.”

“So you’re saying I should be a sexy cop for Halloween, got it. Thanks for the inside tip.”

Lexa grunted. “Do you ever stop? Or are you always a trashcan. I don’t understand how people can work with you.”

“Can’t stop, won’t stop!” Raven chanted. “And they don’t work _with_ me, they work _for_ me.” She winked at her stiff friend.

“Uhh huh. Right.”

“Speaking of work, Abby told me to tell you she loves you and hopes you’re taking care of yourself.”

“Ahhh, thanks. That reminds me, I forgot to call her this week.”

“You know I always thought Clarke’s mom was hot, but getting to see her in her ‘Big Boss’ white coat all the time is HELLA sexy.”

Lexa bore a hole through the other girl’s face.

“What?!”

“Could you not.”

“Screw you, I know you think so too.”

Lexa threw her hands up. “Nope.  Don’t even try to bring me down to your level.”

Mrs. Griffin was like a second mom to Lexa. She had always made sure she was fed, invited her to family functions, and even snuck her money when no one was looking. Since the beginning of Clarke and Lexa’s friendship in middle school, Mrs. Griffin had always made sure Lexa knew that “the Griffin’s home is your home”. And it actually was, for a brief moment in her life. She would never forget the hospitality the older woman provided her during the darker periods that shadowed her past.

“So really, where’s the party at?” Raven’s question shook Lexa out of her thoughts.

“I have no idea. I was just wondering that before you got here.”

“Before I graced you with my presence, you mean.” Lexa let her head fall back and glared at the ceiling.

Raven laughed. “Just kidding. Clarke texted me earlier after I got back in town saying I should keep you company cause you guys would probably be dead tonight. Guess she was right, ehh?”

Lexa straightened her back and let her jaw slack. “Oh. Yeah.”

“She said she’d come by after work with Octavia and Lincoln to have a few rounds and hang out. I think it’s been a shitstorm of a week for all of us.”

“Yeah. That’s cool.” the bartender responded nonchalantly, leaning her frame back against the bar.

Raven dipped her head forward and stared straight into her friend’s cloudy eyes.

“Ok, calm down tiger.”

Lexa blinked twice. “What?”

“You know what.” the bartender sensed the sternness in the seated female’s voice.

“I didn’t do anything, Raven.”

“You’re doing it right now!”

“What are you talking about? What am I doing?”

“You’re getting fucking heart eyes on me and she’s not even here yet Lexa.” Raven said, throwing her hands up. “I literally said her name twice in the past five minutes and you’re already freaking out.”

Lexa’s eyes widened at the accusation. “I’m not freaking out! I’m fine!”

“Yeah sure Commander, you definitely seem ‘fine’ when yelling.” Raven smirked and took a sip of her water.

Lexa gripped the edge of the counter and sighed, putting her palm to her face. “Just tell me what you want to drink, Raven.”

The giddy girl laughed at the obvious distress of her friend. “You know what I want babycakes, the usual!”

Lexa turned around and grabbed the bottle of Makers and a rocks glass for a Manhattan. She started muddling the orange and cherry when she heard Raven’s question at her backside.

“So how come you haven’t done anything yet?”

The sound of the squishing fruit stopped, and Raven waited patiently for the other girl to answer.

“Done anything about what?” Ice clinked against glass and Lexa placed the drink on the counter.

Raven took a long swig and sighed, setting the glass down. “Come on Lexa, I may be a snarky asshole, but I’m still one of your best friends. Don’t play dumb with me.”

Lexa clenched her jaw and inhaled deeply through her nose.

“I don’t want to act on anything, Raven. It would be completely unfair to her, and I don’t have any right to.”

“It’s been more than four years Lexa, I’m sure she’s forgiven you by now. It was so long ago, and it’s not exactly like it was a walk in the park for you either.”

“It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, or the probability of her forgiving me, or even the forgiveness itself!” Her usually level voice quickly rose. “I hurt her Raven, and just because everyone else forgave me, that doesn’t mean she has to. I promised I would never hurt her again, so there’s nothing ‘for me to do’. Now can we please not talk about this anymore?” Lexa quickly turned around and angrily wiped the bar down.

The patron tightened her fingers around the cold glass. “I just want to see you happy, Lexa. You came back to us, and you’ve been trying this whole time. You deserve to be happy.”

“You’re wrong Raven. I don’t deserve it, not after what I did. But I know she does.”

Raven exhaled loudly and decided to stop pushing the matter.

_Stubborn ass fool, as always._

She downed the rest of her Manhattan and slid the empty glass across the counter.

“Whatever Commander, I’ll shut up. Now filler‘up!”

 

 

 

 

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please feel free to leave any and all feedback!


	2. Do You Fall Too?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one's a bit short.  
> Some of Clarke's background is revealed and she reminisces over her and Lexa's first encounter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Main playlist for this chapter:  
> AFI – 37mm  
> The Glitch Mob - The Clouds Breathe For You
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy!

“Thanks again guys, have a great weekend!” She called out to her dispersing colleagues.

“Are you sure you’re okay finishing up here by yourself? You know I’d be more than happy to help.” The burly man had stayed behind and looked at her with concerned eyes.

“It’s fine Nyko, I don’t have much more to do. I just have to finish finalizing the new patient files today and maybe start on the research.”

“If you keep this up you’re going to burn yourself out Clarke. When you get sick, don’t say I didn’t warn you, girl.” he scowled.

Clarke couldn’t help but smile at the man’s backhanded concern. People who didn’t know Nyko could easily mistake his attitude and demeanor for being rude and cruel. Clarke however had known him for more than half her life. He was the closest thing she had to a father and she knew how to read in between his words and noises.

“Seriously Nyko, I’ll be alright.”

He nodded. “Don’t worry about the rest. I’ll have the research articles on those new Amazon plants ready on your desk Monday morning.”

Clarke looked up from her paperwork and smiled warmly. “You’re a life saver, thank you so much.”

“Mmph. Goodnight Clarke.” the man gruffed over his shoulder.

 

_Vvvbbbbbbrrrrrrrr_

 

Clarke picked her phone up off the desk and checked the new message.

RayRay 10:14pm

**Yo bish i ditched SD and im almost in town. Lets do something**

 

 _She’s really taking advantage of Wick’s crush._ thought Clarke. _Poor guy._

 

10:15pm

**Drink. I definitely need a drink. What’s O up to?**

RayRay 10:15pm

**Fucked if I know.**

RayRay 10:15pm

**wait scratch that. prob getting fucked. by lincoln.**

 

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Ew.”

 

10:16pm

**You’re so gross.**

10:16pm

**Can you get a hold of her and see if they want to hang out tonight?**

RayRay 10:16pm

**Yah, where you wanna drink?**

Clarke set the phone down on her desk and leaned back in her chair.

She knew it would be packed downtown on account of the concerts, and it was a Friday night on top of that. She considered Polis Bar since it was on the outskirts of LA.

It had been about two weeks since she last saw Lexa. They were overdue for a hangout, plus she knew Octavia and Raven would enjoy the company of everyone being together.

 

10:20pm

**Let’s go to Polis, I’m pretty sure it’s dead there. Why don’t you go first and keep Lexa company**

10:20pm

**I’ll meet up after, I still have to finish up some work.**

RayRay 10:21pm

**Linc and O are down, see you soon ho!**

Clarke quickly finished the rest of her work less than half an hour later. She was excited to finally begin her weekend with her best friends and relax.

It had been an incredibly busy and grueling week. Ever since Raven redesigned The Ark’s website, they had been fully booked for nearly three months straight. As amazing and satisfying as it was to have steady business, Clarke was starting to feel overworked and exhausted. But she would never admit it to Nyko.

Aside from her friends, which were basically her family, Clarke dedicated most of her time to her business. The Ark Holistic Spa and Clinic was the result of incredible passion, determination, a whole lot of love, and a little bit of rebellion.

Clarke had always felt like she was grounded, more closely connected to the Earth than anything else. She appreciated nature and what it had to offer, and didn’t quite agree when it came to western medicine. It wasn’t a surprise when her mother more or less “lost her shit” after Clarke decided she was focusing her education on holistic medicine, rather than follow down Abby’s path. It was partially Nyko’s fault.

He had been friends with her parents when they were in college, and he was like an uncle to Clarke.

After her father died, Nyko would help baby sit Clarke and read to her from his herbal books. He was an herbal specialist, a very rare profession during that time. Clarke became fascinated by all the different plants; their colors, location in the world, and uses. He had opened the doors of her curiosity and was a constant rock when she decided to take things seriously. The gentle giant was honored when Clarke had asked him to work at The Ark and be her mentor.

Abby eventually conceded to Clarke’s career choices after acknowledging how driven her daughter was, and admiring her passion for improving the lives of others. Once Clarke graduated, Abby readily put in the money and paperwork to start up the business for her daughter. She had promised her husband when their baby girl was still a baby girl, that she wouldn’t try to control Clarke’s life. The only thing she asked of her daughter was monthly visits for reporting in and informing her on how operations were going. Clarke was in charge of The Ark, Abby just owned it. She had to admit it though, it was comforting knowing that Nyko was there to help.

Clarke quickly locked up and walked over to where her white Celica was parked. She opened the door and was about to strap in when she felt another vibration.

 

_Vvvvbbbrrrrrrrrr_

Xena 10:43pm

**Hey slut where u at? Me Ray and Lincoln are already here**

Xena 10:43pm

**And there’s someone who misses u ;)**

“Uhhkk. Damnit O, just give it up.” Clarke mumbled out loud. She was slightly annoyed at her best friend’s obvious hint.

 

10:44pm

**Whatever O. Be there in 15.**

Clarke turned on the ignition and opened the sunroof. She relaxed into her seat as she drove, letting the city night breeze caress her hair. _Seven Nation Army_ played through the speakers, lulling the driver deep into her thoughts.

 

_…And I’m bleeding, and I’m bleeding, and I’m bleeding_

_Right before the lord_

_All the words are gonna bleed from me_

_And I will think no more…_

 

Whenever she knew she was about to see Lexa, Clarke always had to slightly mentally and emotionally prepare herself. The brunette was still one of her good friends, but there was constantly a plethora of feelings involved when it came to her.

For two years now it had been an insane mixture of pain, joy, sadness, and lust whenever she was around her. It was exhausting all across the board. That’s why Clarke sometimes limited the amount of time she spent with Lexa. Half the time she didn’t trust her feelings and what they could make her do, and the other half everything could be fine and she would suddenly want Lexa to disappear off the face of the earth.

They had so much history together and knew each other so well that even just one glance could speak a thousand words.

Sometimes it was hard being around someone like that. Someone you loved unconditionally. Someone who pulled the rug out from under your world. Someone who shattered your heart and left you there to pick up the pieces on your own.

It wasn’t always like that though. Once upon a time, they were young and happy. Once, they were madly in love and nothing in the universe could have pulled them apart. But those fairytales seemed to have existed more than a lifetime ago.

 

Clarke couldn’t help but smile to herself as she remembered her first time meeting Lexa.

 

\-------------------- 

 

_“C’mon Clarke, someone’s gonna steal our spots if we don’t get to our table!” Octavia declared as she dragged the blonde haired girl by her sleeve._

_“O, I’m going to be pissed if you make me spill my food! Relax, it’s just lunch. We have lunch every day.”_

_Clarke couldn’t help but feel annoyed at her best friend’s antics. They were part of the popular crowd, and she knew someone would always save a seat for them. She was also starving and looking forward to eating her lunch. Preferably not off the cafeteria floor._

_Octavia lost her grip on Clarke’s shirt but was quickly distracted by a boy waving her over to the table._

_Clarke welcomed the interruption and set her food tray down so she could rearrange the items that got jostled._

_“You uhh…sauce….on….” a quiet voice mumbled from somewhere to her right. Or was it behind?_

_“What?” Clarke asked, still not quite sure where the voice had come from or who was talking to her._

_Someone cleared their throat and she turned around to see a girl with long brown hair sitting alone, looking up at her._

_“Sorry, I said you have uhh sauce….on your……” the girl blushed and bent her head down while gesturing wildly in front of her own chest._

_Clarke’s eyes widened and immediately looked down at her shirt. “Oh goddamnit Octavia!” Her favorite turquoise shirt now donned a pizza sauce stain right where her right nipple should be._

_“Here, use this.”_

_Clarke looked up and saw that the girl was holding out a wet towel._

_“Ahh, thank you so much, you didn’t have to do that.” she gratefully took the towel and started patting the stain._

_“It’s uhh…it’s okay. I thought your shirt might stand a better chance if you took care of it right away.” Clarke smiled at the kind stranger._

_“Are you new here? I don’t think I’ve seen you before.” She smiled inwardly at how the scrawny girl had her hands tucked in her back pockets._

_“Oh…err….yeah. I’m Lexa. I just transferred from across town.”_

_“Well Lexa, I’m Clarke. And thank you for saving my shirt.” Clarke couldn’t stop thinking how adorable the nervously shy wreck was in front of her. “You should come sit with me and my friends, it’s too lonely over here.”_

_Lexa’s eyes bulged and a flash of pink covered her cheeks. “Oh! Umm…I don’t know, I don’t really know anyone or anything….so…”_

_“You know me! C’mon, you can sit next to me. Don’t worry, I won’t bite.”_

_The brunette smiled slightly and picked up her backpack and tray. “Okay Clarke. Thank you.”_

_From that moment on, Clarke knew that Lexa was someone she wanted to keep in her life. There was something genuine and special about the girl, and somehow, she knew that Lexa would become important to her. She made it her secret duty to make sure her new friend adapted well to the new middle school, and that no one gave her a hard time. They had fast become best friends and were inseparable._

 

\--------------------

 

Clarke parked her car and looked into the window separating her from her friends. Lincoln and Octavia were sitting next to each other at the bar, one arm around the other. Raven was no doubt in the middle of a ridiculous story, given the fact that she was standing and making wild arm movements.

She could see Lexa’s profile behind the bar. The sleek girl was casually leaning on her arms resting at the counter behind her. Clarke could see her shoulders slightly bouncing with laughter and she had the happy crinkle under her eyes. She looked beautiful.

Clarke turned off her car and exhaled loudly.

 

_Fuck._

 

“Yep. Definitely need that drink now.”

 

 

 

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, please leave some feedback!


	3. What Glass Splinters Lie so Deep in Your Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise update! I've been feeling pretty good with the plot development so I was able to post again today :D  
> This chapter opens with an interesting conversation and leads into Octavia action.
> 
> There's a blast from the past flashback of adorable jealous Lexa. Followed by definite angst ): or (: 
> 
> I know there are lot of things still left in the dark, but I promise each chapter will reveal a little bit more. Please stay and hang in there with me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case it's confusing, italics are memories and inner thoughts. Non italicized within a memory is indicating inner thought, inside that memory.  
> Did I just make that even more confusing? Haha sorry, I tried.
> 
>  
> 
> Main playlist of this chapter:  
> Nine Inch Nails - The Mark Has Been Made  
> Deftones - Chauffeur  
> Lola Ray - Charlit Movie Star

Everyone looked questioningly at the engineer.

“Raven, that’s a really weird question.” Lexa placed another round of drinks in front of her friends.

“Not really, I think everyone has a little penis envy and good ol’ boob vag envy. So Commander, what would you do if you had a dick?”

 Lexa wasn't surprised by her friend's question. She was used to Raven always trying to get a rise out of people.

“That’s easy.” she stated coolly. “I would pee on anything and everything.” The group laughed. “No seriously, that’s the only reason why I’d ever want a dick. You get to pee wherever you want, whenever you want! No wiping, no mess, just whip it out.” She took a step back and gestured at the counter in front of her. “I’d pee right here right now if I could.”

Octavia put a couple of ones down on the counter and took a sip of her drink, “I think you’ve been spending too much time with Raven, Lexa.” the brunette only shrugged and smiled at her friend.

Lincoln was the next one to speak up. “I guess if I had boobs I wouldn’t need to date you Octavia.” he bravely teased his girlfriend.

Octavia smacked the man hard on his arm, leaving a red imprint of her hand. “You bastard, you’re only using me for my perfect tits!?”

"What, you thought it was for your obvious intelligence, ridiculous sex drive, and incredible personality?"

"Looks like someone wants to sleep alone tonight." his girlfriend teased back. 

Raven sat down next to Octavia. “Look guys, all I’m saying is if I had a dick, I probably would never be able to stop jerkin’ it. That's like the point, right Linc?”

“Reyes, who are you kidding? If you had a penis then the rest of the female population in Los Angeles _and_ San Diego would need to wear chastity belts.”

“Theeeere she isssss! About time Griffin.” Octavia stood up and hugged her best friend.

“Yeah you took so long I think I’m past buzzed at this point.” Raven chided.

“I’m sorry guys, I got a little caught up at work.” Clarke set her purse down and removed her gray scarf.

Lexa’s heart skipped a beat. Clarke's hair was wavy and fell perfectly around her face, down past her shoulders. The dark teal long sleeve was low cut, and revealed the smallest hint of a valley. It intensified the radiance of the blue eyes. The material clung to her curves, accentuating the hourglass figure. The black leggings covered her thighs and stopped at slender black knee-high leather boots.

_Stop staring. Stop staring. Stop. Staring. Oh god those legs....._

Lexa gulped. Clarke always had that effect on her. She wouldn't see the blonde for a long period of time, and when they hung out again her breath would leave her. It would be like she just saw the beautiful woman for the first time all over again.

Lexa quickly tried to disguise her gawking and crossed her arms against her chest. “Hey.” she said nonchalantly.

Clarke sat down and chuckled, “Don’t be such a butch, Lexa.”

The bartender cocked her a half-smile, surprised by the good nature. “So what’ll it be tonight, m’lady?”

“Uhmm….let’s do… Basil Hayden’s on the rocks.”

Lexa arched her eyebrow at the order. Whiskey or bourbon usually meant the blonde was stressed out and needed to vent. She made a mental note to get Clarke to talk about it later.

“What about you Clarke?” Lincoln asked. “What would you do if you had a penis?”

“Hmm…” Clarke took her time to think. “I guess I’d just pee outside of a toilet a lot.”

“See!” Lexa yelled triumphantly, “Peeing wherever you want with no mess or TP? Totally underrated.”

The two friends exchanged knowing glances and high-fived each other. They didn’t notice their friends looking at them and chuckling under their breaths.

 

The party of five continued to drink and joke with each other late into the evening. It was an ideal Friday night, being with your friends, spending it in good company, and forgetting the week they had all endured.

“Alright sluts, we’re out of here.” Octavia announced, getting up off the barstool. “Lincoln kicked my ass at the gym today and Momma needs her beauty sleep.”

“Is that what you kids are calling it these days?” Lexa couldn’t help but tease the tiny girl.

“Yeah O, you don’t have to make excuses with us. You can just say you’re leaving to go bang your hot stud.” Raven nudged Lincoln’s side with her elbow. “Right Big Guy?”

“Uhhh…I gue—“

“DON’T answer that, babe.” Octavia whipped her head around and glared at the grinning girl.

“What? He’s like family now, there’s no need to get all prude around us.”

“Keep it up Raven,” Lexa warned, “looks like our little Warrior Princess is going to hand you your ass one day.”

“Yes, I think we all remember what happens when Xena is provoked.” Clarke laughed, unable to resist the action.

“You guuuuys!” Octavia whined, “That was like, one time. And I was sloshed. Anyway, that bitch had it coming!”

Lincoln raised his left eyebrow questioningly. “Hold up babe, should I be worried? Did you kill someone or something?”

Raven gasped, “Linc, are you telling me you don’t know the story behind O’s nickname?”

Lincoln shrugged. “I thought you guys called her Xena cause she started training to be in the force with Bellamy…?”

“Ohhhmygod,” Clarke squealed, jumping up and down, “please let me tell the story, please!”

Octavia sighed into her palm. “Ughhh, fine. Whatever.”

Clarke giggled excitedly and sat down, facing the confused man.

“So this one night we all decide to go clubbing; me, Lex, Ray, Anya and Xena over here.” She threw her thumb back over at the embarrassed figure. “By the time we got to the club, we were all pretty wrecked from pre-gaming at Monty and Jasper's.”

“Dude, I’m pretty sure we went through a fifth of Jamo before Lexa even got there.”

Lexa shook her head. “Rave, you were so gone. _I_ was the one that brought the Jamo.”

“Shit, you serious?” Lexa and Octavia laughed in unison.

“ANYWAY…” Clarke cleared her throat, “May I continue?”

“…Yes Princess…” the room muttered.

The blonde fought the smile that was tugging at the corners of her mouth.

“So as I was saying,” she turned to face Lincoln again, “we were wasted and it was a packed night. At some point everyone managed to get on the dance floor. Next thing I know, O has cranberry and Goose all over her top and she’s screaming at some valley girl.”

“It took three of us to hold her back,” Lexa simply stated, with a tinge of horror in her voice, “and the girl just took off.”

Raven laughed cheerfully, “Yeah cause she saw the Devil in O’s eyes and bitch couldn’t deal.”

“That little fucker bumped into _ME_ and spilled _MY_ drink, and even had the nerve to tell _ME_ that it was _MY_ fault!” Octavia huffed. “I was going to destroy her.”

“So what did she do?” Clarke asked innocently, “O chases this girl out of the club, DOWN the street with her heels in her hands, doing Xena’s freaking war cry.” Her whole body shook with amusement and she brushed a tear out from the corner of her eye.

Suddenly the room vibrated with the girls’ screams. “AIIIYAIIYAIIIYAIIIIAIIIYAIIIYAIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!” They all exploded into howling laughter.

Lincoln doubled over and grabbed his sides to soothe the ache, “I love you so much more now.” he said fondly at Octavia.

“Love you too, hot stuff.” the petite girl winked and pecked her lover’s cheek. “Okay but in all seriousness, we gotta get going.”

“I suppose we shouldn’t expect to see you home ehh?” Raven asked.

“Nope, staying with my boo tonight.”

“Okay kids, be safe, don’t forget to wrap it up, I love youuuu!”

Octavia rolled her eyes and turned to the other two girls. “Goodnight Clarke, night Lexa.”

“Night, O.” Clarke was still wiping the last of the tears from her eyes.

“See ya O, later Lincoln.” Lexa said to the receding figures, but the couple was already out the door, struggling to keep their lips off one another.

Raven got up slowly. “Wellllllll, I should probably head out too. You know, long drive today and all…” There was an obvious twinkle in her voice that neither Clarke nor Lexa were willing to call her out on.

“Don’t worry Princess, I won’t wait up.” Before Clarke could protest, the engineer was opening the door with her hand raised over her head. “Later fools!”

“I’m still not sure how you live with them. Your roommates are ridiculous.” Lexa stated.

“Whatever, you’re still best friends with them.” Clarke rebuked. “And it’s been like five years. You kind of get used to it.”

“Mmhmm, I almost forget how long it’s been.” Lexa hummed, fondly remembering the first time meeting Raven.

 

\-------------------

 

_Lexa and Bellamy were on their way to pick up Clarke and Octavia from the airport. The girls had graduated from Phoenix and were ready to move back home. Lexa was beyond ecstatic to see them again, especially Clarke. She went through hell missing the girl for four years, and couldn’t wait to have her back home again. When they picked out the two familiar faces at the baggage claim, both drivers broke out into a sprint._

_“Bell! Lexa! God I’ve missed you guys!” Octavia squealed, getting lifted off the ground by her brother._

_“Octavia, how are you still tiny as hell?! Princess doesn’t feed you, or what?” her brother reluctantly released her._

_Lexa immediately went to the other girl standing alone and hugged her hard, spinning her around in the air._

_“You’re finally home.” She breathed into the blonde waves, ignoring the squeaks her embrace was eliciting. “Please don’t ever leave me for that long again.”_

_Clarke laughed as she was set down, her smile lighting up the entire room. “I’ve missed you too Lexa.” She took a step back in time for an unfamiliar face to enter their space._

_“Oh right. Lexa, this is Raven, Raven, meet Lexa.”_

_Lexa shifted her body to the right, putting her hands in her back pockets. She faced the attractive female and instantly felt a pit of jealously fall in her stomach. She didn’t like the way the tanned girl had her arm around Clarke’s shoulder, or the smug look on that cocky face. Who did this girl think she was?_

_Lexa was lost in her brooding thoughts when a hard whisper came to her ear. “Down boy, down!” Octavia scolded into her friend’s cold eyes._

_“Ohh boy…” Bellamy was heard sighing from somewhere behind her._

_Lexa blinked and immediately straightened up. She hadn’t realized the enemy was holding out a hand for her to shake._

_“Err…sorry about that,” she said, awkwardly taking the offer. “I wasn’t expecting a third body.”_

_The girl smirked, not oblivious to the thick sound of disappointment. “Hey man, it’s cool, it was actually kind of last minute thing anyway.”_

_Clarke held off on interrupting the two girls’ interaction. She had been observing Lexa and knew that the ridged back and tight shoulders translated to being threatened and on guard about Raven. Her signature ‘hands-in-the-back-pockets’ move meant she was uncomfortable. She knew that the clenched jaw was the onset of silent anger. Even at the surface of her mind, she knew that Lexa currently reeked of jealousy. It made her smile. She decided to let her best friend continue to make a fool of herself before filling her in on the situation._

_“So Raven,” Lexa said icily, “how long will you be staying in Los Angeles?”_

_“Umm, I guess like, forever?” The confused girl looked at Octavia, then at Clarke. “I’m kind of going to be cribbing with these two. So yeah, kind of permanent."_

_“Say what?” Lexa stared blankly._

_Octavia stifled a hybrid snort laugh with her hand._

_Bellamy scratched the back of his head. “Ohhhkaaay…! So let’s get everyone’s luggage into the cars, huh?” He mouthed “help” to Octavia and Clarke._

_Clarke cleared her throat and stepped in, “Hey Raven, why don’t you ride with Bell and O, I’ll ride with Lexa.”_

_“Alright hot stuff, I’ll see you there.” Raven smirked and slung her black duffel bag over her shoulder._

 

What the fuck, did she just call Clarke “hot stuff”? I’m going to fucking—

_“Lexa!”_

_“Hm? What.”_

_“I said, can we go now?”_

_“Oh. Yeah.” Lexa gave her a quick nod. The obviously bothered brunette picked up the rest of the luggage and briskly walked toward the automatic doors._

_Clarke slowed her pace behind Lexa and smiled widely, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Sometimes Lexa could be so fucking cute when she was jealous. She watched as Lexa threw all her luggage in the trunk with ease. They both got in at the same time and buckled up before beginning the trek home._

_“So aren’t you going to ask me?”_

_“Ask you what.” Lexa tightened her grip on the steering wheel._

_Clarke rolled her eyes and smiled, “Ask me about Raven. You know, that girl you weren’t so secretly trying to set on fire with your eyes.”_

_“Why would I ask you about her? It’s none of my business Clarke.” The muscles under her cheeks twitched. “And I wasn’t trying to set her on fire, I was just trying to see if I could send her back to Phoenix with my mind.”_

_Clarke shook her head, and concealed her grin. “Lexa, we met in Phoenix at school and we had an awkward one night stand. We’re just friends now, and she was planning on moving to LA after graduating anyway. O and I both get along with her and it would be really nice to have a third roommate to help with rent. She’s actually a great person and you’d get along with her if you got to know her.”_

_“Oh. So you guys slept together.” There was no mistaking the annoyance in her voice._

_Clarke sighed. Of course Lexa would only hear that one part of her story. “Yes actually, we did. And it wasn’t that great. Hence, our platonic friendship.”_

_“Oh?” Lexa took a peek at the passenger seat. “Why wasn’t it that great?”_

_Clarke shrugged, “I don’t know, the chemistry just wasn’t there. She’s hot and everything, of course. She just didn’t…she couldn’t…” Clarke rolled both hands in the air, struggling to grasp her next words._

_“She couldn’t make you come?” Lexa had her right eyebrow raised and was looking straight at Clarke._

_The blonde blushed deeply and bit the corner of her bottom lip. “Yeah. She wasn’t you.”_

_Now it was Lexa’s turn to take on the deep red in her face. The driver coughed and averted her eyes back on the road._

_She remembered the summer they began fooling around and how Clarke confessed to her that no one had ever been able to give her an orgasm. After that, Lexa made it her personal mission to make Clarke come every chance she got. She would swell with pride whenever the blonde screamed her name and shook beneath her touch._

_“Well that’s not so surprising.” said the driver, fully gloating by now. “I am after all, the best sex you’ve ever had.”_

_Clarke giggled and playfully punched her friend in the shoulder. “Shut up. I should have never told you that. Can you stop being a jealous teenage boy now? It’s cute, but you can really overdo it.”_

_“Depends. Can you not attack the driver so we don’t crash and burn?” Lexa quickly glared to her right. “And can you let me prove my previous point later tonight?”_

_“I mean, my schedule is looking pretty full,” Clarke teased, “but I think I can fit you in.”_

_Lexa very consciously sped the rest of the way home, and Clarke didn’t correct her when she took them to her house instead of the new apartment where her roommates were waiting._

_\--------------------_

“Lexa.”

“Hmm?”

“Where did you go? You had ‘la-la land’ eyes.” Clarke always knew when Lexa got lost in her thoughts. Her eyes would glaze over and swirl with a deeper shade of jade.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was just remembering when me and Raven first met. I can’t believe how much I wanted to kill her at the airport.” Lexa grinned, shaking her head.

Clarke started folding the drink napkin in front of her. “Yeah and look at you guys now. You two are the biggest bros I've ever met. I don’t even think Bellamy and Lincoln can top your ‘bro-ness’.”

"What can I say? We were a match made in heaven."

Clarke appeared not to have heard Lexa and hesitantly spoke her next thought. "...I remember the rest of that night too.”

The brunette swallowed the remaining moisture in her mouth. “Ahhh…yeah. Me too.”

Awkward and tense silence filled the empty room. The only two people in the establishment were quickly getting lost in each other’s eyes. Clarke was the first to break away.

 

 _Shit, it’s happening again._ she thought. _I need get out of here._

 

Lexa's voice broke through her thoughts, “Hey, are you ok?” the brunette looked down at the empty glass of whiskey.

“Hmm? Yeah, this was my only drink. I’m okay to drive.”

“That’s not what I meant, Clarke. You only drink whiskey or bourbon when shit is bad.”

Clarke sighed. Sometimes she hated how well Lexa knew her. “I’m okay. Work has just been really crazy lately and I’m kind of stressing out.”

“You can’t do everything on your own Clarke, you have to let people help you."

"I can handle it, it's not a big deal."

"It WILL be a big deal if you keep overworking yourself. You know it’s okay to need people.”

She straightened her back, “That’s funny coming from you, Lexa. I could have sworn I needed you when this all started, but oh, that’s right. You weren’t there.”

Lexa flinched as she felt the words sting her. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Clarke took a 20 dollar bill out of her purse and slammed it on the counter, ignoring the apology. “Thanks for the drink.” she stood up and grabbed her scarf.

“Clarke, stop. I don’t want your money. Please take it back.” the bill burned under the girl’s hand as she pushed it forward.

The angered blonde turned around and glared into the green eyes. “Don’t.”

Lexa felt her throat tighten.

“This isn’t up for negotiation, Lexa. Goodnight.”

Lexa swallowed the tight lump down as she heard the front door close. She put her hands on her hips and stared at the ceiling, willing her tears not to spill. As much as it all hurt, she knew it had been justified.

She watched the white car drive off and shut her eyes tightly. Was their friendship forever doomed to this push and pull? Clarke always had, and always would have complete control over her. She was the only person in the entire world who could make Lexa feel like she was higher than the clouds, and then just the same, like she was smeared dog shit underneath a shoe. It was exhausting to feel emotions on such opposite spectrums constantly, especially in such a short period of time. But this was how it was between them now. It’s what she had become accustomed to. She would never retaliate, she would never defend herself. She would never do anything but let Clarke throw everything she had at her, because she knew with every fiber in her being that she deserved it.

Lexa turned off all the breaker lights and shut the door, locking it. She sighed deeply as she walked to her car. It was going to be another sleepless night.

 

 

 

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, I don't think I'll have another update until the end of the week. Closing five nights in a row is a drag! Writing helps me sleep though, so maybe I can dish something out sooner.
> 
> Thanks for reading, please leave some feedback, good or bad!


	4. Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please be forewarned, there is a trigger warning for this chapter.
> 
> This is a special chapter for me, I hope you’re ready for all kinds of feels. I gave you so much angst, you won’t know what to do with yourself.
> 
> -Tidbit of Lexa’s mom, who apparently is an uber bitch.  
> -Learn a little bit more about what makes Lexa, Lexa.  
> -I wish Anya was the sister I never had.  
> -Clarke gets told by Raven. (Seriously though, she totally gets owned.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to classical music for this chapter, but here’s a list of some that made me feel the hardest:  
> Beethoven – Moonlight Sonata 1st movement  
> Beethoven – Moonlight Sonata 3rd movement  
> Mozart – Requiem Mass in D minor  
> Bach – Suite No. 2 in D minor, BMV 1008
> 
>  
> 
> For the record, most of the chapter titles are named after lyrics in the songs that are listed. I’m definitely not creative/original enough to come up with such beautiful verses, but they are special to me so I choose to showcase them when appropriate.
> 
> Enjoy!

Lexa was lying stretched out on her bed, hands tucked beneath her head. Her crossed ankles hung slightly off the edge of the twin sized mattress. It had been about two hours since she arrived home, and she still wasn’t anywhere near being close to tired. Every time she closed her eyes, the image of Clarke’s icy blue stare came searing under her lids.

She had turned on her classical music playlist before collapsing on her bed. The only time Lexa ever listened to classical was when she needed to focus and get work done, or when she needed to calm her restless mind. And right now, there was a cyclone running rampant that called for the soothing strings and horns. Letting the tender melodies surround her, Lexa struggled to find some hidden meaning or truth behind the texturized ceiling of her room.

Quietly and inconspicuously, Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata whispered out of her speakers. She closed her eyes and felt the first movement’s dark chords lap at her bruised heart. Hot tears slipped out and blazed a trail down to her ears. There was no suppressing the strong pull at her chest. As each note gently played on, Lexa felt old wounds begin to bleed again. All the pain she had been harboring throughout the years threatened to bubble back up to the surface. She surrendered herself to the sonata, feeling the weight of her turmoil.

 

\--------------------

 

_“Mom, stop!”_

_Remnants of cups, bowls, and plates littered the ground all around her feet._

_“It’s your fault I’m like this, it’s your fault he left!” Another plate was launched at the frightened girl._

_Lexa knew that her mother was referring to her father. She didn’t have many memories of the man, but was told that he had left his family when she was around four years old._

_“Mom, please, calm down. It’s going to be ok, I’ll figure something out, I promise!”_

_The drunk woman laughed maniacally, “You promise? Lexy-poo is going to save the day everybody, hall-el-FUCKING-lu-jah!”_ _she spat the taunt out viciously. “You know he never wanted you,” the drunkard seethed, “I never wanted you!”_

_Lexa didn’t say a word as she began sweeping up the porcelain pieces._

_Whenever Lexa’s mother got drunk she never failed to remind her daughter that she was the reason for the woman being a single parent. The resentful inebriated mess was always quick to blame Lexa for her own shortcomings. In the eyes of her mother, Lexa would always be responsible for anything and everything bad in the woman’s life._

_“You’re lucky your precious Uncle Gustus forced me to keep you around. I hate him for it! Always threatening to cut me off because of you!” Lexa still refused to look at the crazed woman. “And if it weren’t for you, I would still be with the love of my life!”_

_The venomous words barely registered in Lexa’s brain. She had already heard them too many times in order to be rattled. She knew that on some level that fact alone made her pretty fucked up. But it was hard to tell what was normal and what was fucked up when you grew up as she did. As messed up as it all was though, this was her mother. Her drunk, gambling, raging, depressed, abusive mother. But still her mother, nonetheless. No matter how heinously she was treated, Lexa would always find herself still trying to warrant her mother’s approval and affection. She wanted to believe that somewhere in that angry and miserable soul was a part that maybe loved her. The human being who brought her into this world, a world she never asked to be a part of. Even if it was a small part, she was always trying, always searching._

_Lexa’s mother had just come home from the casino and announced that she gambled that month’s rent and lost it all. It was a regular routine. She would drink and gamble away her income, including the monthly help she received from her brother. When she saw the worried look on her daughter’s face, she instantly went into a frenzy. She was like a violent bull and Lexa was the matador, taunting her. She hurled anything she could get her hands on, wanting to erase that concerned face in front of her. After she grew tired of degrading the girl, she wordlessly left as quickly as she had come. It would be three days before Lexa saw her again._

_Lexa was left in the tiny apartment alone, letting the weight of the situation set in. She didn’t have time to get wrapped up in whatever the hell just happened, she had to take care of business first. She knew she had to keep them from getting evicted._

_After she was finished cleaning the warzone in the kitchen, she went to her room and pulled out a hardcover novel from the bookshelf. She opened it up to reveal a deep rectangle that had been carved out of the pages. Rubber banded folds of cash were sheltered there. It was her secret stash of savings, and she took out 700 dollars without hesitation._

_Growing up with her mother taught her to cherish money and to always be ready for anything. It was a valuable lesson because their lives were hardly ever “okay” for long periods of time. Ironically, this lesson wasn’t something that her mother knowingly passed on. Lexa was just smart enough to learn from her parent’s mistakes._

_The teenager started working at a young age, feeling the importance of having her own income early on in life. She started off doing odd jobs for neighbors at the age of 13. When her money started to “mysteriously” disappear, she got more creative with her hiding spots. When she turned 16, Mrs. Griffin set Lexa up with a job at one of her patient’s law firm. She mostly did secretarial work, but it paid exceptionally well for someone her age and it pushed her in the right direction toward law school._

_Lexa stuffed the 700 dollars in an envelope and put it in her backpack. She would drop it off at the landlord’s unit before school the next day. Making sure that the envelope was well hidden, Lexa opened her closet door. She reached up and stretched onto her tippy toes. Tapping her fingers around on the high shelf, she finally felt the familiar cold steel. Her heels met the ground again, clutching a yellow handled box cutter to her chest. She breathed deeply, relishing in the adrenaline that started to rush through her veins. She extended the blade slowly, hearing the comforting “clicks”, and rolled up her sleeve. She swallowed even though there was no moisture in her mouth. She felt her fingers quickly grow frigid._

_This was the only way she knew how to deal with her feelings. She didn’t know how to talk back to her mom and stand up for herself. She didn’t know how to talk to people, she didn’t want to burden them or make them think that she was seeking attention. Lexa knew that she was strong, that she didn’t need anyone, and her life was a constant reminder of that. She could only rely on herself, and she couldn’t be weak. She didn’t know how to quell the storm of emotions inside, and letting such emotions get out of control was her weakness. So Lexa did what she had to do so she wouldn’t feel anymore. She translated everything that was internal to the external physical shell that was her body._

_The young girl sucked in her breath at the initial sting. The blade slowly dragged across her shoulder, the sound of metal tearing through flesh amplified in the tiny closet. With every passing millimeter Lexa felt each emotion start to slowly fade. Anxiety, anger, frustration, sorrow, panic, and hate disintegrated into the freshly flowing blood. Once the blade was lifted she instantly relaxed and breathed easier. Her mind went blank with the familiar and constant sharp pain. She could see the sensors flashing behind her closed eyelids. She hummed lowly, contentedly, as she concentrated on the sensation of the warm liquid trailing down her arm. In an instant, the altercation of that night was forgotten._

_The next day at school she was exchanging books in her locker when Clarke strolled up beside her._

_“Hey, hat’s up with you not calling your best friend last night?” The teenage girl playfully punched Lexa’s shoulder._

_“Gahhh!” Lexa hissed. “Fuck!” She grabbed her shoulder without thinking._

_Clarke jumped back in shock at her friend’s sudden outburst. Lexa attempted to recompose herself, “…Ahh, sorry, I was kind of busy last night.”_

_Clarke eyed her friend with concern and confusion. “Whoa ok, I know I didn’t hit you that hard. What’s wrong? Did something happen?”_

_Lexa shuffled her feet. “It’s nothing, I’m fine.”_

_“Bullshit.” Clarke crossed her arms. “Lexa, what’s wrong.”_

_The brunette stood still, eyes focusing guiltily at the ground._

_Clarke slowly moved the girl’s hand away from her shoulder and rolled up the sleeve, gingerly._

_Lexa stood ridged, her breath caught at the base of her throat._

_“Oh my god…” Clarke gasped, bringing a hand up to cover her gaping mouth. “…Lexa…” Tears immediately sprang into her eyes._

_Shame and guilt hit Lexa at full force. She definitely didn’t plan on anyone ever finding out, let alone her best friend._

_“Clarke, it’s nothing. Really.”_

_The words only seemed to coax more tears out of the girl._

_Clarke shook her head frantically, “No Lexa, it’s not ‘nothing’,_ this _isn’t nothing!” She hovered her fingers over the wound, not daring to touch it, but still able to feel the angry heat radiating from it. The gash was about two and a half inches long and Clarke could tell that it needed stitches. The middle was deep, shining with wet blood. She eyed the olive skin, noticing other scars, some faint and others that were deeply etched._

_“Why…why would you do that to yourself, Lexa?” the blonde sniffled, her eyes starting to puff._

_Lexa held onto her left elbow awkwardly. She was unprepared and didn’t fully understand the pain she was causing her friend. “I…I don’t know. I just…I just can’t control myself sometimes.”_

_The bell rang for the next period to begin, and soon the hallway was clear of students. Both girls failed to notice the change in their surroundings but their voices had naturally lowered to whispers._

_“Why do you feel like you have to do that?”_

_The tormented girl felt her digits being intertwined with soft, delicate fingers. “I…I have so much,” she brought her right hand over her heart, “in here. I don’t know how to let it out.” She struggled to translate the chaotic feelings into words. “Sometimes it’s so much…that I feel like I’m going to suffocate.” She started to pant subconsciously. “I don’t know what to do with it all. There’s just so much…and sometimes it just hurts too much.”_

_Clarke’s heart was breaking harder and harder with every word that left the girl’s lips. She could tell talking about this was incredibly painful and difficult for Lexa._

_“Lexa, you’re my best friend. And I’m your best friend, right?”_

_“Yes, of course. You know that Clarke.”_

_“Then please talk to me. Let me be a best friend to you. I’m here for you.” her voice was straining against the urge to sob._

_There was a long pause as Clarke looked into the deep jade eyes._

_“I’m not very good at it. I can’t just automatically talk about things that I’m feeling.”_

_“It’s okay, we can work on it. Will you try for me?”_

_Lexa felt her heart melt a little. “Yes, for you I will.”_

_Clarke smiled softly and bravely pressed a little further, “And can you promise me you’ll stop?” Her gaze wandered over the girl’s shoulder._

_The brunette clenched her jaw. “I don’t know if I can do that Clarke.” she avoided her friend’s blue eyes._

_“Can you try, for me?”_

_After a long silence she looked at her again. “…Maybe.”_

_“How about,” Clarke let out a huff of air, ”You call me or text me whenever you get the urge. No matter what time or day it is. We don’t even have to talk about it, just say ‘Clarke, I’m getting that feeling.’”_

_“And what if I still feel like doing it?” Lexa asked nervously._

_“Then…” Clarke looked into Lexa’s eyes. “Then you do it. But at least I’ll know.”_

_Lexa exhaled. “Ok…I think I can do that.”_

_She felt nervous but relieved at the same time. She never expected anyone to find out about her vice, not to mention talking about it out loud. But Lexa couldn’t deny how good it felt to know that Clarke cared._

_“Ooof!” Her vision blurred with golden hair. The blonde surprised her by crushing the taller girl into a bear hug. “Clarke…..Clarke, I can’t breathe…!”_

_Clarke shut her eyes tightly, her voice muffled in the slope of Lexa’s neck. “I don’t care.”_

_Lexa relaxed and surrendered to the warm embrace. She could feel both their hearts pounding against each other._

_“Thank you for talking to me, Lexa.” Clarke gulped back her tears._

_“No. Thank you, Clarke.” It was the first time she smiled that day._

 

_\-------------------_

Her heavy eyes opened softly.

_Clarke._

Lexa had been vacantly brushing the thick scar on her left shoulder. Despite the painful memories of her mother, her mind was now completely consumed by Clarke. She sighed dejectedly. She always ended up back at Clarke, didn’t she?

Lexa didn’t hear the apartment door close.

“You still up Lexa?” Anya threw her keys on the coffee table and kicked her boots off.

She could hear faint music coming from Lexa’s room and saw light spilling into the hallway.

“Lex?” she walked closer to her roommate’s bedroom. Not hearing a response, she peeked through the doorway and saw that the girl was lying on her bed.

“Hey Mozart, you should turn off the lights if you’re gonna go to sleep. You know, I pay utilities around here too.” she joked.

Lexa turned her head to greet her cousin. “Oh, hey Anya.” She immediately refocused her attention to the ceiling.

Anya could tell the younger girl was in one of her moods tonight. She stepped inside the bedroom and seated herself next to Lexa’s right leg.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Her question was met with silence, other than the deep drawl of Bach’s cello.

“So we can do this one of two ways.” she said, straightening her back. “One, you can be a grown up and talk to me like a normal human being.” She paused briefly, waiting for a response. “Or two, we settle this like we used to when we were kids.”

Lexa lifted her head and looked at Anya, but still said nothing.

“I swear to the gods Lexa, I will sit on your stomach and force all the air out of you until you give me something to work with here.”

She waited a full minute before sighing in defeat. Sometimes she wanted to dropkick the emotionally disabled cousin of hers.

Anya rose off the bed and started walking toward the door when she heard a squeak of a voice behind her.

“Anya, wait…”

She turned around. “Yes?”

“Do you believe in karma?”

The standing girl was taken aback by the seemingly random question. She could hear the vulnerability behind the words.

“Yeah, I guess I do. Do you?”

The voice that spoke was flat. “I didn’t before, but I do now.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“Clarke still hates me.”

Anya exhaled. She should have guessed earlier that this was the problem. “Lexa, she doesn’t hate you.”

“How do you know that?” There was no anger in her voice, or bitterness. She simply wanted to know.

“Because you guys still fight.” Lexa looked at her, puzzled. “Yeah. We fight a lot. Because she hates me.”

“You’re missing the point, cuz. You don’t waste your breath on someone you hate. If she hated you and didn’t give two shits about you, she would’ve stopped talking to you all together.” Anya watched as Lexa absorbed her words.

She spoke slowly, “I just can’t help but feel like this is how it’s always going to be. Like she’s always going to hate me.”

“Don’t worry Lexa. She’ll come around eventually, trust me.”

“How do you know?” Again, the question was genuine.

“Because if she doesn’t then that means she’s even more stupid than I ever thought possible. And I know Clarke is a smart girl.”

Anya didn’t bother to wait for a response. She could tell that her cousin didn’t want to talk anymore. She was already surprised that she had opened up at all.

“Goodnight Lexa.” she said, swinging the door closed.

Lexa rolled onto her side and faced the door, the last tear sinking into her pillow.

“Goodnight.” She closed her eyes and succumbed to the emotional exhaustion, praying that she would be granted a dreamless sleep. Her mind and heart had treaded close to the threshold that night.

 

Anya was leaning against the wall, still staring at the closed door. It was rare to see Lexa so small and vulnerable. Her heart ached to see her little cousin in such distress, but she knew there wasn’t much she could do for the girl. This had always been Lexa’s way. She didn’t ask for much and always preferred to handle things on her own. She had built up thick and strong walls her entire life. She was the most stubborn and headstrong individual Anya had ever met, but she also had the biggest heart.

And as closed off and reserved as Lexa preferred to be, Anya had no trouble seeing that the big heart of hers was still crippled and fractured into tiny pieces. The girl wore her misery on her sleeve, whether she was conscious of it or not.

 

\-------------------

 

 **Meanwhile, 10 miles to the east** …

Clarke closed the front door and immediately stormed to her room. She gathered her pajamas and went to change in her bathroom. By the time she opened the door, Raven was expectantly leaning against the bedroom doorframe.

“Don’t tell me you and the Commander had another fight.”

Clarke glared at her roommate, unwilling to verbally confirm her suspicions.

“Or did you guys get tired of eye fucking each other and now you’re sexually frustrated?”

“Knock it off, Raven.”

Raven lifted her hands in defense, “Yeesh, just kidding. So seriously, did you guys fight again?”

“We may have exchanged some words, and I may or may not have stormed out of the bar.”

“Oh Christ…” Raven breathed. “C’mon Griffin, when are you gonna cut the girl some slack?”

There was a blur of yellow as the girl suddenly whipped around to answer the question.

“You know what she did. What she did to me. How could you ask me to ‘cut her some slack’?”

“Because she’s fucking human, Clarke, and if I know a little bit about Lexa, then you know the whole shebang. She’s kinda fucked up! Fucked up people don’t always make the best decisions.”

“I can’t believe you’re defending her right now. Why are you making up excuses for her? I thought you were my friend.”

“I AM your friend, but I’m her friend too. And stop trying to get me to say what you want to hear, all this shit is what you _need_ to hear.”

“You’re unbelievable.” Clarke stampeded into the living room. Raven followed suit, matching each stomp.

“No, you know what’s unbelievable? Holding a grudge for four plus fucking years, Clarke.”

Clarke squeezed her hands. “This isn’t just some grudge, Raven! We’re not in high school. She broke my heart. She _abandoned_ me and left me without even looking back.”

“She loved you and she was emotionally and mentally lost. She was grieving.”

“Oh yeah,” Clarke spat, “she loved me so much that she peaced out without even having the decency to break up with me. That’s a really fucked up way of showing someone how much you love them.” Clarke furiously rearranged pillows on the sectional.

“God, I don’t know why you’re getting on my case about this. _She’s_ the bad guy here, not me.”

Raven raised her eyebrows, silently scoffing.

_Oh bitch, please._

The engineer was fast losing patience with her stubborn roommate. She wasn’t Lexa though, she wasn’t afraid to step on some toes and get on the blonde’s bad side. Taking a deep breath, she prepared herself for the onslaught.

“No Clarke, you need to step off. Stop being a little bitch. Yes, that’s right. I said it. You’re being a bitch.” Clarke was speechless, her mouth slightly slacked open. “You’re being SUCH a huge bitch, that I think you may literally possess canine genes in your DNA.” Her eyes went hard, but she was too infuriated to say anything.

“You can’t keep doing this, it’s fucking unhealthy dude. For you, _and_ for Lexa. You don’t think she knows she fucked up? You don’t think she feels a million times worse than you’re already making her feel? Open your eyes Clarke. For someone who doesn’t care about you or love you, Lexa is putting herself through an awful lot by taking all your shit. You’re taking advantage of her now because you know she won’t say shit to you. You’re just using her as your emotional punching bag.”

“Fuck you, Raven!” Clarke’s cheeks were bright red, fuming with exasperation. “I loved her too! She was my best friend, and I was hers. I would have been there for her, I would have done anything for her, and she knows that! And maybe she is my emotional punching bag, but it’s the LEAST she could do for me after vanishing for six months!” Clarke gripped her elbows tightly, resisting the urge to throw things. “She’s fucking lucky I’m even still talking to her. I should have just given her a taste of her own medicine and disappear from her life. Forever.”

Raven sat down and put her head in her hands. She exhaled noisily and looked up at the angry tear stained face.

“Listen, Clarke. You can huff and puff and say whatever you wanna say, but I know deep down you’re only doing this because you miss her. She fucked up, I know. But I’m willing to bet my job that you still love her as much as she loves you.”

Clarke tightened her shoulders, processing the words. Somewhere inside the sea of rage and distress, she felt Raven’s statement touch on some truth. She refused to admit that to her friend, she wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of being right. She still deserved to be angry.

Clarke slowly walked over to the couch and slumped down next to her friend. “Raven, even if I could forgive her, I don’t think that I can ever forget. It hurts too much, and I don’t think I could ever forget this pain.”

“Well no one’s asking you to forget, Princess. And you know she would never forget it either. I would have to let a dude stick it in me before Lexa ever forgot about this, trust me Clarke.”

Clarke let a giggle escape her throat, immediately irritated with herself.

“Think about everything she went through. Yes she left, yes she was a royal dumbass, but she came _back.”_

Raven turned her head to the side, noticing the anger on her friend’s face slowly fading to sadness.

“I get it. She hurt you, she hurt me, she hurt everyone close to her. I’ve forgiven her though. You know why?” Raven turned to fully face Clarke. “Because she grew a pair and came back.  She owned up to everything, and even stuck around after you let all Nine Circles of Hell loose on her ass. Which by the way, you’re still doing, _four fucking years later._ ” Clarke scoffed, but Raven ignored the reaction and continued. “You guys are my best friends, I stopped being mad at her when I saw how willingly she accepted your wrath. If she would have defended herself and tried to correct you, I’d be in the same boat as you’re in right now. I would have lost all respect for her, and I would’ve dropped her ass. But Clarke, she never did that. She accepted full responsibility. She realized how much she hurt you and she’s never downplayed that. That’s why I forgave her, because I see how much she actually loves you.”

Clarke sat in silence, truly analyzing words for the first time during the heated conversation. She couldn’t deny that most of what Raven said was true. She was just too damn angry and hurt to admit to any of it. Had she been overly dramatic about her feelings? No, she felt completely justified in her pain. She had given her heart and soul to Lexa and Lexa ran off with them without a second thought. Did she still have feelings for Lexa? Yes, absolutely. But she didn’t trust herself enough to let them show. Was Lexa trying to mend their relationship? Without a doubt. So, was Clarke being too hard on the girl? For the first time in four years, she considered the possibility. Maybe.

Clarke took a deep breath, “I’m not going to say that you’re right, because you’re not.” The seated girl rolled her eyes hard. “But I will say that I’ll try to be a little nicer to her from now on.”

Raven shot up, “Praise the LORD baby jesus! Thank GOD.”

“And Raven?”

Her roommate paused mid-stretch. “Yeah Clarke?”

“You’re a really good friend. We’re lucky to have you.”

“I know, right? I should be getting paid for this.” Raven chuckled. She made her way to the hallway toward her room. “Goodnight Princess, get some sleep. You look like shit.” Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at the insult.

This was Raven’s true virtue. She was funny, witty, and sarcastic, but incredibly loyal when it came to her family. She never sugarcoated anything and wasn’t afraid to say exactly what needed to be said. Raven could flip the switch between going from brutally honest without abandon, to arrogant asshole without missing a beat.

“Goodnight, Raven.”

Through the closed door she heard, “Night Princess!”

Clarke retired to her bedroom and snuggled into her blankets. She replayed the heated conversation in her head over and over again. She tried to ponder everything Raven had said with an open mind and open heart, but it proved to be difficult. She really did want to try and be friendlier with Lexa, but she wasn’t ready to completely let her off the hook just yet.

The mixed feelings and inner dialogue she kept having with herself eventually became too exhausting. Her drifting mind slinked from reality into a fuzzy dreamland. Lexa was smiling that beautiful smile at her, and she felt completely warm and content. She wanted things to be like this forever, she wanted to forget all the animosity.

With her last bit of consciousness, Clarke finally surrendered to sleep and allowed her dreams to trick her into feeling happy for the first time that night.

 

 

 

 

**To be continued…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SIGH. My heart hurts from writing all that angst, but I love it. Hopefully you guys did too!
> 
> Next chapter will be a short "filler" type. Maybe not completely necessary, but I promise you won't be disappointed!
> 
> I cherish any and all feedback!


	5. Take It, Take It, Take It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I apologize for the long hiatus. Life happened, and blah blah blah, rabble rabble. I'm in the middle of moving across the country so that and working 60+ hour weeks have been taking over my life. The good news is I have more free time coming up, and given the recent turn of events in The 100, I am incredibly determined to have more Clexa in my life *flips table*.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Main track for this chapter:  
> Blaqk Audio - Between Breaths (An XX Perspective)

_She swayed her hips in time with the intoxicating beat, slowly closing the distance between them. She bent forward and raised her ass, seductively tossing her blonde mane over her shoulder and sneaking a peek at her audience. As each word melted out of the sound system and filled the thick air, her swaying hips became more and more determined. Clarke's skin burned from the green eyes that followed her every movement._

Do you remember the first time?

Time stopped and sped so fast

In just three minutes you were mine

Don’t think that it was the last

_“Nuhh-uhh,” She swatted away the hand that was aggressively snaking up her thigh. “No touching.”_

_Clarke wagged her butt slightly as she backed herself up between the toned legs and smiled at the frustrated growl behind her. The air around her got hotter as her rear made contact with smooth inner thighs. She steadied her hands above the knees behind her and arched her back forward, presenting her black laced bottom. She could feel the physical turmoil and struggle of her muse underneath her palms._

_“Fuck, Clarke…” Lexa growled. “This isn’t fair. I need to touch you.” Clarke smiled mischievously at the confession._

_She loved turning Lexa into a riled up frustrated mess. The way her voice would get huskier, the way her eyes would smolder with passion, and especially the way she made Clarke feel like a goddess. There was nothing sexier or more satisfying than feeling just how much Lexa wanted her. It only made the sex that much more amazing when they would finally give into one another._

_“Touch me and I swear I’ll throw on my fuzzy pink PJs and we’re going straight to bed. No sexy time.” She ground her ass straight into Lexa’s crotch before looking over her shoulder, “I mean it.”_

_“Argghh..” she felt her girlfriend’s legs squeeze around her in protest. "Mmph. Fine. You're the boss." She smiled triumphantly as Lexa lowered herself onto her elbows, huffing stray strands of hair from her face. "For now." Clarke bit her bottom lip and kept back a moan. She was more than willing to let Lexa have her way, but not without her fair share of fun first._

_They had the house to themselves and it had been a week since they both had time to be intimate. Clarke was determined to make the most of every minute they had that night to make up for the week long dry streak, even if it meant teasing her girlfriend to the brink of madness._

_She sank to her knees and turned around, hands sliding up the flexed thighs. She smiled approvingly as she felt the hard muscles twitch beneath her touch. She slowly kissed a wet trail along the inside of the right thigh, all the while keeping contact with those beautiful green eyes. The pure lust from the gaze was enough to start a pool of moisture between her legs. She slowly raised herself off the floor and wrapped her legs over Lexa’s base, rolling her hips at an intoxicatingly slow pace. Lexa's frame stiffened at the new movement, her face becoming cold and blank. Clarke knew the brunette was fighting hard against herself to be obedient and the only tell was her persistent clenching jaw._

_She decided to reward her girlfriend's efforts and placed her left hand down between the two and ground harder against it, relishing in the heat that was pushed up against her palm. She couldn't help but smile when she felt the deep rumble of a growl. She brought her right hand up to cradle Lexa’s neck, lightly massaging the nape with her fingers._

_Lexa rolled her head back against the touch and moaned, "Mmm...babe..." Clarke took the opportunity to ambush the exposed neck and assaulted her with light torturous kisses. She quickly bit the soft flesh and sucked at the pulse and was instantly rewarded with a deep throated moan. A whimper was triggered from her and she involuntarily ground against her hand harder._

_Lexa let out a frustrated sigh and sat up, connecting both hands to Clarke’s straddled legs. “You’re not playing nice, Clarke.” Clarke reluctantly broke free of her anchored mouth and raised a challenging eyebrow at the pouty faced girl. “At least we’re still playing.” Lexa squeezed her hands in response to the snarky remark and grunted unhappily._

_Clarke giggled and wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck. "But you know, if you want to keep being grumpy..." she moved her head forward so that their lips were just barely touching. "...Then I can stop altogether." She pushed her center down harder, feeling her girlfriend’s breaths hitch on her lips. She rolled her body against Lexa’s front and pressed harder against her cupped hand, feeling the wetness pool through the boy shorts._

_“Fucking A…” It was almost a snarl. Clarke strained to keep back a moan. “What’s the matter, baby? You don’t like it when I give you attention?” She buried her face into Lexa’s neck, her breathing starting to become more labored as the air around them got hotter. She greedily kissing the tender flesh, loving the way the pulse beat against her lips._

_“I don’t like it whe—_ Anghh! _” Clarke interrupted her by taking the sensitive skin between her teeth and sucked tightly. Lexa's strong hands countered the assault by squeezing her ass hard. “I don’t like it when I’m not allowed to touch my fucking gorgeous and sexy girlfriend.” Lexa managed to finish, panting._

_Clarke straightened and momentarily seized her relentless grinding. “I think you’ve just earned yourself some privileges.” She felt the shift of energy beneath her and had barely finished her sentence when hungry soft lips claimed her own._

_Lexa's need was undisguised, her kisses anything but gentle. Clarke's arousal screamed at the fervor and intent, she didn’t bother holding back her obvious pleasure and moaned deeply into each kiss. Lexa’s lips dominantly bruised her own, the brunette's passion and need setting the pace. Her body was becoming engulfed in its own heat as teeth nipped and tongues danced._

_The lips that found their way to Clarke's throat seared her skin. All of a sudden the fancy laced bra became too restricting and she couldn’t stand the feel of it. Clarke straightened her back and reached with both arms to unclasp the binding, the shoulder straps hanging loosely on the sides of her shoulders. The action gave them both a moment to catch their breaths, and when her eyes met Lexa’s, she saw the unmistakable change from impatient to feral. Her core shuddered from the gaze, her mouth went dry and her underwear soaked through._

You knew I knew the ways

That I could make you say

_With warrior like reflexes, Lexa quickly discarded the fabric and greedily took Clarke’s breast in her mouth. Her hands ran up her back and her nails dug in on their way down. The sensation of pain mixed with the sweet pleasure of her nipple being tongued made her throw her head back in a deep groan. The wet onslaught switched to her other breast while a strong hand continued where the mouth had previously left off._

Please, please, please…

_“Ohh god...” She arched her back to give more leverage and pressed her girlfriend’s head closer to her chest. She shamelessly released a moan as teeth connected over her nipple and sharply took in a breath when it was released with a loud pop. Clarke slumped forward and snaked both hands into Lexa’s thin braids, bringing her in for a deep kiss, her tongue sloppily claiming Lexa's mouth. She ground her body down harder into the girl’s lap, her movement becoming more urgent. They were both having trouble getting their breathing under control and keeping their movements smooth._

Don’t take it

_She retreated from the kiss with a lingering lick on Lexa’s upper lip and kissed a trail along her jawline. She breathed in the deep earthy scent and could feel her hot breath reflecting against Lexa’s ear._

_“Take me. Make me yours, Lexa.”_

Take it, take it, take it easy on me

_One minute she was sitting comfortably on Lexa’s lap, the next she was flat on her back, her skin burning against every touch, her lips getting punished hungrily. One hand wrapped under her neck and cradled her head, the other palmed against the small of her back, pushing her against the strong thigh that was grinding at her center. She could feel Lexa press the length of her body down on her own, perfectly fitting them together. The sweet friction between her legs made her break the kiss for a sharp intake of breath and her hands raked down the top of Lexa’s shoulders down her tight back. She bucked her body hard trying to get their bodies as close together as possible, only to have Lexa respond by pushing down harder. Clarke felt Lexa’s purposeful hand travel down the right side of her torso, firmly worshipping every inch of her skin it passed. She was quickly coming undone, her hands frantically grasping at Lexa's muscled back._

Just make it

Make it, make it, make it harder to breathe

_Clarke gasped as she felt her laced panties get pushed aside, her slick arousal making contact with skilled fingers. She whined impatiently as Lexa’s torturous fingers avoided her entrance and swollen bud, and instead continued to slowly slide along her slit._

_“Please…Lexa…please…” her whimpered plea came out ragged. Lexa ceased her movements and lifted herself, planting her weight on her arms. She stared down at her coldly, “Please what, Clarke?” Her arousal was becoming too much, her throbbing center was making it hard to concentrate on getting any words out. Clarke rolled her head to the side, unable to stand toe to toe with Lexa’s dominance._

So I'll climb on top

And I'll never stop

_“…Please…fuck me...” Her words came out weak and defeated, her arousal taking over her mental capacity._

_Lexa slowly dipped her head toward Clarke’s exposed neck, making her shudder as hot words caressed her ear. “I’m going to fuck you until you beg me to stop.”_

Till I make you

Forget who you are

_She cried out as fingers suddenly entered her and the pad of a thumb was firmly pressed against her clit. The rhythm was slow, but the combination of her pulse being sucked out to the surface of her neck was nearly enough to push her over the edge._

_“Oh my god,” she cried out as a third finger was almost immediately added. “It's so_ good _.”_

_The pace between her legs was getting faster, the sounds louder and the thrusts harder. Every time the fingers disappeared inside her she could feel more of her juices pooling at the bottom of Lexa’s knuckles._

_“Unhh…ahh…” she panted between her moans and words, “I’m…_ unnhhh _…close…”_

_Just as she was beginning her rise to climax, everything stopped. She whined loudly at the sudden absence of touch and sensation, her blood pounding in her ears and her fists clenching the bed sheets._

_Through her half lidded eyes she saw the feral wanton look in Lexa’s green eyes. She hovered over Clarke’s torso on her hands and knees and forcefully ripped off the laced panties. Still locked with Clarke’s gaze, she stepped off the bed and stood at its edge. Clarke let out something between a yelp and a moan as strong arms hooked underneath her knees and roughly pulled her whole frame to the edge of the mattress. Her surprised gasp morphed into a moan at the sudden display on strength._

_Lexa licked her lips, arms still locked under Clarke’s legs, and slowly knelt down on her knees. By now Clarke’s juices had leaked down her thighs, shining slightly under the moonlight that poured through the bedroom window. Lexa traced her tongue over the sweet trails while her arms slinked up Clarke’s torso to claim her neglected breasts. Clarke moaned and flexed her body at the new contact. She covered Lexa’s hands with her own, encouraging more pressure from them._

_“Oh fuck…!” Clarke bucked her hips as she felt Lexa’s warm tongue run along the entire length of her slit._

_She instinctively spread her legs, offering herself. The invitation was promptly taken as the velvet muscle probed through her lips and collected from her endless fount._

_“Fuck Lexa…” Clarke rolled her hips against the eager tongue, loving all the strokes and patterns it was tracing on her. She felt it curl and encompass her clit, lips closing around it and sucking on her sensitive bud. She could feel it swirl and flatten out, caressing every silky part of her. She could no longer control the guttural sounds coming from her, every time Lexa’s tongue dove into her core, she felt like she was going to scream._

_Her body always responded this way with Lexa. The girl knew exactly how to treat Clarke’s body when she didn’t even know what she wanted. Sex with Lexa was the best sex she’d ever had._

_Clarke gripped the hands that were squeezing her chest harder. Her breathing was becoming more spurted, and her body was beginning to tremble. She arched her back and her rolling hips became erratic jerks. Lexa began flicking her tongue faster and harder against Clarke’s swollen clit, her shaking body unconsciously matching the pace. She thrusted her center hard against Lexa’s mouth, her body nearly arched completely above the bed and finally screamed out in release._

_“Anhh, fuck! Lexa!” Her moans drowned in sobbed breaths, her convulsing body unable to keep up with the continued at_ tack on her core. “I ca.. _.unhhh_! Oh my god…!”

_Lexa wasn’t easing up and Clarke struggled to contain herself. She was still coming hard and attempting to push her girlfriend’s head away when two fingers were plunged deep inside her._

_“Oh fuck!_ Ohmygod _…” Her words were swallowed by her own loud guttural moans. Lexa sucked hard on her clit and let go, pounding deeper and harder, turning her into an orgasming mess. Lexa grunted as she held Clarke’s hips down with her free hand and fought the spasms and convulsions. She thrust her fingers hard, curling them as they went in and twisting them as they pulled out. The friction and force made Clarke feel as though her entire body was on fire and she wasn’t able to keep up her breathing. Lexa added a third finger, the tight walls barely adjusting._

_“Oh fuck Lexa, please don’t stop.” Lexa curled her fingers even more. She doubled her pace, each thrust noisily adding more arousal to her already thickly coated fingers. Clarke could feel her insides start to clamp harder and harder around Lexa, the delicious heat pulling from deep inside her was roaring. Her frenzied hands grabbed blankets and sheets, seeking some sort of anchor._

_“I’m going to come!” Clarke panted breathlessly, “Fuck, Lexa, I’m gonna…” she was starting to see black spots._

_Lexa moaned deeply, “Come for me baby. Come on me.”_

_Clarke let go completely and felt every fiber of her being shatter._

_“Lexa!!” She cried out and convulsed uncontrollably, no longer able to form words through her struggled panting and moaning._

 

 

\-------------------

 

 

Clarke's eyes shot open, her breath ragged and her core throbbing almost painfully. She squeezed her bare thighs together and could feel the hot sticky aftermath of her orgasm. She could still feel Lexa’s fingers inside her, and smell her uniquely sweet earthy scent. Clarke placed her hand over her heart, willing it to slow down and gradually shook off the unconscious reel in her mind.

Hot tears trickled down her eyes as she began to sob silently. Another dream about Lexa. This was the second one in the past week, a bit unusual from her normal one per month quota.

She was honestly used to having dreams about Lexa. Most of the time they were of memories from long ago that replayed themselves. Sometimes the dreams were of them fighting or just a casual setting where they were having normal conversations. Other times, such as this night, they were sex dreams.

Usually every night that she dreamed of Lexa would end the same. She would be too full of pain and sadness to fall back asleep so she would have to find things to distract herself with, or lie in bed miserably and wait for the sun to come up.

She sat up and hastily wiped the tears from her face. The shift in position made her very aware of the mess between her legs. She swung her feet off the bed and made her way to the bathroom.

_That was the best orgasm I've had in the past six months, and I was dreaming._ Clarke shook her head in disbelief as she wiped away the evidence.  _AND it was a dream about Lexa. What the fuck is wrong with me._ She climbed back into her bed stared at the ceiling.

Yes, by now she was accustomed to having dreams about Lexa, that wasn't what was troubling her now. What was responsible for her heart throbbing and her furrowed brows was her new confused feelings for Lexa. Her conversation with Raven earlier that night had definitely chipped a small piece off of her frozen armored heart. Instead of feeling angry and disgusted with herself for once again dreaming about someone who betrayed her, Clarke found herself feeling incredibly lonely and empty. For the first time in a very long time, she wanted to be in Lexa's company. Maybe not in an intimate setting or in a way that would suggest her wanting to be together again. She just wanted to be in the comforting presence of her friend.

Clarke rolled onto her side and checked the time on her plugged phone.

**5:43am**

She stared at the display for a long time, not really seeing anything but getting lost in her thoughts.

_Should I...?_  

She opened her contacts list and clicked on "Lexa". Her thumb hovered over the text message icon.

Clarke shut her eyes and breathed deeply. She debated whether or not her desire to see and talk to Lexa was a result of her recent orgasm, or if she was genuinely experiencing these new feelings. It was late, she was tired and incapable of falling asleep again, but she wanted to get rid of the impending anxiety that was pitted inside and quickly spreading.

"Fuck it." Clarke let out a long breath and began typing.

 

5:44am

**Hey......awake by any chance?**

 

She clicked "Send" before she lost her nerve and changed her mind.

"Arghhhh!" Clarke bit into her pillow and let it absorb her frustrated yell. She started to panic and regret her decision when her phone broke her trance.

 

Lexa 5:45am

**Yeah, what's wrong? Are you ok?**

 

Clarke bit her lip and stared at the words on the screen, the concerned words burning deeply into her heart. She sat up and crossed her legs, her hair spilling down her shoulders and creating a veil around her face. She wasn't quite sure what she wanted or how to even begin explaining the cascade of emotions that were rushing through her.

Clarke let out a heavy sigh and just let her fingers type without restriction.

 

5:50am

**I don't know. I'm sorry it's late, I just think..**

**I just don't want to be alone right now.**

 

Clarke grunted at herself, feeling defeated. _I'm_ _fucking nuts, I just chewed her out less than five hours ago and now I expect her to want to see me? Raven would smack the shit out of me right about now._

Her guilt took over and she was about to text Lexa back and tell her "nevermind", when her typing was interrupted.

 

Lexa 5:56am

**I'm on my way to your place**

 

"What...?" Clarke whispered out loud in disbelief. She definitely did not see that coming. She still felt bad about the situation, she hadn't meant to ask Lexa to drive to her apartment, if anything she was just going to call and talk to her until they fell asleep. She scrunched her brows together and began typing.

 

5:57am

**It's okay Lexa, I'll be fine. I think I was just having trouble sleeping.**

Lexa 6:00am

**Too late, I just parked.**

 

"Fuck."

Clarke sucked in a deep breath and got off her bed and walked toward her dresser. She desperately tried to get her heart to slow down and her breathing under control as she slipped on a pair of pajamas. She attempted to get her feelings in order so that she wouldn't be an emotional wreck when she opened the door.

"Fucked. I'm so fucked." She muttered to herself, turning on the hallway light.

The living room was illuminated slightly by the brightening morning sky. She could hear the world outside start to wake up and cursed herself silently for not being on the same page.

 

_Knock knock_

 

The light tapping of knuckle against wood stole her attention away from the balcony sliding door. Clarke tried to swallow her remaining anxiety and took one last deep breath as she prepared to greet the person on the other side of the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....that was awkward. Writing smut is really hard!  
> Anyway, sorry again for the delay. I hope you all enjoy this one.


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